The Occupy London Charter

Introduction

To all at Occupy London in all three sites , St Paul’s, Finsbury Square & Mrs Miggin’s Pie Shop, could you please circulate the following and get everyone to sign; those staying at the site, those whose tents are staying at the site and any drunks who may be passing by. Please remember it’s numbers that count.

We will accept returns in any format, and any language, even welsh. Multiple returns by a single person / group will not be accepted  (that’s what we will tell the media anyway. If you can persuade the man in Starbucks to photocopy a few when you are next in, feel assured that your time will not be wasted)

Please be aware that the preservation of trees is of prime consideration to us. Therefore when we, the people, gain power, we will demand that all newspapers are printed on biodegradable turnips, to counter the paper consumed by the charter.

The Charter

I, _______________________(Name, inclusive of hyphens & titles, Duke, Baron etc)  of ____________________________________________________________(Address, please include information for all homes. This is a global campaign and we will be able to forward your address in Moritz, the Bahamas etc to the local groups) do solemnly promise to support the beliefs of Occupy London, namely:

1.     The Church of England is evil. The tower at St Paul’s is, as we know, a trading floor fighting an eternal war of economic attrition against the People. The prayers are sexist, never an ‘AWOMAN’ is uttered. The congregation demands ‘an eye for an eye’, a sure indication of a thirst for violence.

2.     The Government is evil. Although the banking crisis and over-borrowing can be laid at the door of the previous administration, it is obviously not their fault. It must be the fault of David Cameron & Co. as they are Conservative.

3.     Eviction is evil. We shall stay at Occupy, until i) it gets cold, ii) it gets wet, iii) it gets dark.

4.     Cuts are Evil. It is imperative that we save the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy Drop In Centre. Although only one person has used it in the past three years, it represents a major victory for the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy community. These cuts are senseless.

5.     Carbon is Evil. Although Global warming remains un-proved, we must abandon our cars NOW. (* Exemptions: Hybrids, electric cars and daddy’s Mercedes)

6.     Corporations are evil. As we stand in our corporately produced clothes, in our (often empty)  corporate tents, communicating on our corporate mobiles, drinking our corporate coffee, we must destroy the corporations NOW.

7.     Tuition fees are evil. It is obviously wrong that the individual should pay for additional education that will allow them to earn vastly more money than others over the course of their lifetime. Degrees in Animation, Surf Science & the History of Lace knitting are vital for our economic survival and must be maintained.

8.     Everyone else is evil. If someone does not agree with our aims they are obviously not clever enough to realise we are right.( Rather than classify them as stupid, which would make us appear that we are prejudiced against the stupid, we must admit that they are evil)

9.     The bankers are really quite naughty and shouldn’t do it again

Transcript from the Rallying Speech of Oliver Greenside-Jones

Biography

Despite being born as the son of the Baronet of Staines, Oliver has shown pure dedication to the causes he has followed. At Eton, he campaigned for the introduction of a potato shapes dispenser as he felt the food was elitist. At Cambridge, while obtaining his first in PPE, he found time to fight on behalf of those who had access to their satellite dish outrageously taken away from them by the courts. After graduation ( and until he takes a seat on the board of his fathers estate) he has continued to fight for all those persecuted by those in power. Before being involved in Occupied, he could be found in Burford, tackling the capitalists who were barring free access to the river crossing by oppressed minority of Ferrari drivers. Since being at Occupy Oliver has shown himself to be adept at tackling the media, his cry of ‘Oi, Narrfff  Orffff’ being one of the distinctive sounds near St. Pauls.

Speech Transcript

‘ We are now threatened by an enemy, the likes of which we have never encountered before.

Tourists threaten us from the Embankment, the police encircle us, and most dangerously, the clergy threaten us from the steps, their eyes boring into us like our favourite auntie when she wants a cup of tea.

But we, Occupy, continue to fight. The number of tents, both empty and full, bears testament to our courage (at least during day time). The enemy has been hurled back beyond the barricades of empty coffee cups and burger wrappers.

But we cannot consider this a victory, the bankers still bank, the politicians still act.

Our enemies underrate us. This will be a protracted trial of boredom. We must be ready to give our alcohol, our estates and our knowledge of feng shui-ing the location of the toilets to fight this fight.

Many of our comrades have been forced to leave by the cruel lack of basics; outdoor heaters, hot water and warm beds. Many of our tents are empty as our supporters’ work, with supreme effort, to rise above their apathy. The London Stock Exchange itself is in enemy hands.

We are told that the clergy has a plan for the complete destruction of our group.

But I have full confidence, that, if we eat all our muesli, we shall prove ourselves, once more, able to protect this land that we have little right to be on.

We shall defend to the death (or at least until it gets dark) our camp. We shall go on to the end.

We shall fight in the coffee shops (after we have tipped the server). We shall fight in the Thames (Please be careful in the water, it does contain disease). We shall fight with growing confidence and good hair. We shall defend our camp as long as it is not too scary. We shall fight on the pavements as we idly stand. We shall fight for our burgers, and our mobile ‘phones.

We shall never surrender.

And if we, which I can never believe we will, go home. Our friends, in stinking bedrooms throughout the land will continue our struggle, tweeting, poking and blogging until victory is ours. ‘

After Oliver’s speech, the crowd was rapturous, with at least two people clapping their cider cans onto the ground. The police stood a little straighter and the clergy recalled a time when the churches were packed. A few of the older protesters recalled a time when they understood. Oliver knew he had done well. He may even get together with Octavia later, which if he is honest was the real point of the protest for him anyway.  (He thinks he will go to a hotel in case the i-r cameras are around and he gets lucky.)

(- With apologies to a great man who really did change the world for the better.)

Proposal for the Protest Objectives-

Author                        - Octavia Flanders-Smyth

Occupation                 - Student (Sustainability and Ethnic Convergence)

Supporting Group     - Shepton Mullet Workers Anarchist Party- Student Branch

From last weeks initial meeting minutes it is apparent that ‘We, of Occupy London, believe that all bankers are really, really naughty and that they should not do it again’ is not perceived as a strong objective for the Occupy London protest.

In addition, as discussed at last weeks Occupy London Steering committee (Strategy Division A) it was agreed that we, the protesters of Occupy London, are seen as fragmented with no clear view of our own objectives.

During my three weeks, working with Bid Down TV I learnt the full implications of poor messaging. With this knowledge I am in the unique position to understand the needs of the media and to provide them with the clear messaging they need.

As the Occupy protest is vehemently opposed to any persecution of minorities it is imperative that we ensure that any message excludes criticism of these groups. In addition we must ensure that we do not prejudice those who are weakened due to their carnivorous tendencies or financial abundances.

With these guidelines in place we can really progress the objectives in a way that the whole of the Occupy London community can agree to.

Firstly, we will need to eliminate ‘bankers’ from the objectives. Some bankers are very nice (I know quite a few of them, and they always buy me champagne whenever I see them) Also, some bankers are women and some are gay. Obviously, we cannot include these in any Occupy London objectives, as this would be persecution of a minority.

It would also be unfair to attack the politicians. There are only 650 and some of these will be eliminated after the next election. We must not attack this endangered species.

Another group to be avoided is the hedge fund managers, although none of us can describe their work, it is obviously of benefit to the green movement.

We must also discount the many corporations we commit commerce with, otherwise we could be accused of hypocrisy. Provisional List below:

Fast Food Outlets – Key suppliers of food to the protest

Oil Producers- We all need oil to drive home after our hectic day at the protest and for our parents to deliver food.

Supermarkets- . If we protest against these, the local metro shop will not sell us any more alcohol.

Drug Companies – ADHD is the major risk to civilisation, and without drugs nothing can stop the spread of this insidious foe.

Once we understand the exclusions the new objective for the Occupy London grouping becomes somewhat obvious.

Please stop it, *whoever has been naughty, and whatever it is you have done, as soon as you can.

*If you are part of an oppressed minority, you can carry on as long as you wish and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

As can be seen by all, this new objective is clear concise and remains true to all our aims.

I propose that we discuss this proposal at the next meeting of the Occupy London Steering Committee (Strategy Division A )

My Day Out by Clearwater Phoenix aged 12 ¾.

I woke up on Monday and mummy said we were going for a day out to Occupy London. I was not happy as mummy and daddy had promised to take me to Legoland.

While we were eating breakfast (I still don’t understand why I have to have Organic free-trade Muesli instead of Co-co pops ) mummy got ready. But she scared me! Instead of her usual clothes, she got an old pair of jeans and rubbed dirt into them! And then rubbed some into her recently styled hair!

            ‘Mummy, stop it’ I cried, but she just whispered that she had to do this, otherwise her friends at Occupy London would laugh at her.

            After finishing our Cappuccinos, we walked to the tube station. On the way I hugged mummy really tightly as I could see some of daddy’s friends at their offices in the chambers and THEY WERE LAUGHING AT US!!! I said to mummy ‘Stop Swearing’ when I heard her whisper. We ran all the rest of the way to the station.

            Mummy queued up at the station for my ticket, she already has her own to get to her job at the estate agency, we got on the tube. On the train a man carrying a brown bag with a bottle inside asked if mummy would like to go with him. He smelt horrible. I said to mummy ‘Stop Swearing’ when I heard her whisper.

            When we got to Occupy London, we were at St. Paul’s Cathedral! ‘Can we go and see daddy?’, I asked as he only worked a little walk away. ‘Not today’, said mummy. Mummy said ‘Hello’ to our friend, James. I like James as he has his own swimming pool underneath his house, and he lets me swim when I want to! James said ‘Yo Man, down with the capitalist bastard’. Mummy nodded, I said sternly ‘Stop Swearing’.

            James lead us to a tent and said we could stay here for the day as no-one else would use it until Friday when the ‘Die before Eviction’ group were coming down to stay for the night. James then gave mummy an Espresso and Big Mac.

            I was bored, but mummy said it was very important to be here to protest against the bankers. ‘But isn’t daddy a banker?’, I said. ‘Yes, but he’s not a bad banker she replied’. ‘Then is Uncle Toby a bad banker? . ‘No, he’s a good man’. ‘Then who is a bad banker?’ I demanded. ‘Well, everyone else’, she shouted. I cried, mummy looked around to see if anyone was looking at us. James smiled at us, but put a finger to his mouth.

            Mummy then took us to see the ’Media’ tent. All there was inside was a TV with pictures of all the nasty people. Daddy wasn’t on the TV. From outside I could hear people shouting at us to get a job. But daddy has one already and mummy’s daddy has a big house in the Cotswolds. They cannot be very clever people!

           

            On the steps of St Paul’s the vicar is talking to my Auntie! Auntie Clarissa is very nice and lives in France with Uncle Lionel and Grace and Lilly. Lionel has finished work as he made lots of money. He is 37, daddy told me that. I told him, ‘Stop Swearing’ after he said something naughty as well !

            Auntie was shouting at the vicar. ‘Leave us Alone, you bastard’. The vicar looked very embarrassed. A policeman spoke to Auntie, but she just shouted at him. All the policemen around her started laughing. This made auntie angrier and she sat down on the steps, refusing to move. The vicar walked away, the policemen ignored her. Five minutes later Auntie Clarissa got up and walked away.

            At 3pm we had to leave, mummy and Auntie Clarissa wanted to get home as they had to meet their friends at the wine bar. I told Auntie Clarissa that she mustn’t swear, especially at Vicars, but she laughed. But she still told me off when I said I had lost my damn ticket!

I don’t like it when nanny Alice looks after us. She doesn’t let us eat cup cakes before we go to bed. Mummy was excited before she left as she could tell all her friends about protesting at Occupy London.

            I hope we go to Legoland tomorrow.

Protest Lite- Protesting without honesty ?

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away...

Sometimes writing a satire on current events is too difficult. I read in the newspapers that only 20 out of the 200 hundred tents at the St. Paul's protest are occupied. The protesters are apparently protesting during the day and then going home to their warm bed at night. I'm sorry, but I couldn't make anything up that is half as comical as this !!

Minutes of the first meeting of the Occupy London group

Occupy London Stock Exchange

Meeting No. 1:- Minutes

Present

New Ager (NA)- Believes in freedom for all and the eradication of all money( except for benefit payments) . Has previously attended numerous demonstrations including ones dedicated to :

The eradication of coal fire power stations, replacing them with a new form of power created from human dung fermentation.

The protection of the horse flea after the disgraceful episode of Mrs Chambers- Smyth washing her jodhpurs and the associated needless killings.

And of course the legalise dope protest (he at least still believes he was at this one, although he cannot remember any details)

Student (S) – Strong believer in the ‘Occupy’ premise, as she is ‘really, like, anti, the bankers’, even if she does not really know what a banker does. Daddy has bought her a nice new tent and paid for her dreadlocks to be artistically soiled with ‘real cow dung’ at only £12.50 per inch. Has no previous experience of protest, although mummy recalls how she stopped the progress of nuclear weaponry over a single cold night at Greenham Common. Particular interest in the fight against tuition fees, as daddy has said that her alcohol allowance will have to be cut to pay for the increase.

Singer / Artist (SA). – Very creative person has ensured that his feedback has been heard regarding the posters around the camp, but has not contributed any effort himself as his muse has currently left him. Lives in a squat in Camden, and is campaigning for the removal of all property ownership laws. Believes that his participation in the protests will make him appear more ‘cred’ and increase the value of his installations. A rabid anti-capitalist, until he has money of his own.

Radical Granny (RG) – A stay at home mum until she turned 50 and her youngest daughter returned home with a baby. After which she has begun to protest at every available opportunity, mainly to avoid changing nappies. She sees herself as a grungier Joanna Lumley, although her friends see her as just grungy. Radical granny has just hot-foot it from Dale Farm where she protested as she knew it would make her ex-husband explode. In truth, the need to make her ex-husband explode is behind most of her activities at the moment.

The Ex-Banker (EB) – Until recently Tarquin was a banker, until that is Megabank found him to be totally in-competent. After this he has been a crucial member of the Occupy group, wheeled out for all the TV interviews. Like the student, he is not sure what he is protesting about, although it is splendid fun to be here, the tents being just like the dorms at Harrow. Obviously he will have to leave the camp as the ski-ing begins.

The Parent (P) – Camping next to the student in case she gets cold

           

Agenda

·      Appointment of Committee

·      Statement of Intent

Minutes

Appointment of Committee

NA proposes that ‘Head of Protest’ should be assigned to the protester with the most experience. SA believes that having a head is elitist and that the committee should not elect a single leader. S wishes to make it clear that she is ‘really, like, for the cause’. RG suggests that maturity is the only true route to wisdom and that the oldest member should lead the team. EB is happy that someone else is making all the decisions. NA states, ‘ Thank you all for sharing your wisdom, it is clear that I am the popular choice as leader of the occupy group’

P sighs.

Statement of Intent

NA proposes that the statement of intent should demand the elimination of capitalism, the banning of all property ownership and the humiliation of the banking community.

Elimination of capitalism. S states that the elimination of capitalism is ‘really, like cool’; as it would mean that all the poor people would be free. P advises that this would mean that survival is driven by the ability to produce one’s own food and shelter, as there would be no trade. NA objects, saying a bartering system could be put in place. P suggests ‘But isn’t that capitalism?’

SA suggests that artists should be given the right to create without having to provide for themselves. P suggests that the role of the artist arose in Italy after a group of bankers started to supply artists with large amounts of cash for their works. SA becomes very quiet.

S leaves the meeting and re-appears with a Big Mac and Cappuccino for everyone in the team.

EB suggests that capitalism may not be that bad… Silence envelops the group. After they have finished their Big Macs they move on to NA’s next suggestion

Property Ownership. S states that she would ‘really, like’ property ownership to be eliminated as then she may be able to get onto the property ladder after she graduates. RG advises that she worked really hard at getting her house from her bastard ex-husband, and she is not about to give it up, although of course she believes that the ownership of property is wrong. EB suggests that maybe it would be OK to allow everyone access to his paddock in Surrey, but only when the ground is dry. SA demands that all ownership of property is wrong, and that squatting is the right way forward, unless he can afford to buy. P muses on who is going to build the squats.

After three and a half hours of constructive debate a decision is reached; that ownership of property is not a primary aim of the group.

Humiliation of the Banking Community – The group with the exception of P conclude that the humiliation of the bankers is a primary aim of ‘Occupy’.  EX looks sheepish.

The method humiliation is discussed. Murder is discounted as no member of the team can think of a method of performing this painlessly. S did suggest that vets could perform it, in the same way as her miniature poodle was disposed of when it was no longer in fashion, but was shouted down by the remainder of the group.

Re-introduction of the stocks was also discounted as it is a basic human right that all humans should be able to use their iphones at all times and this would be difficult when locked into the wooden structure.

SA suggested that he could design a card to be worn around all bankers necks, suggesting that they have been very, very naughty. NA thought that a picture of a dis-embowelled sheep would not send the appropriate message.

RG proposed that all the male bankers could have their balls chopped off. EB edged nervously away. S suggested that this maybe a little violent. RG smiled. This idea was dropped after EB, thinking rapidly, advised that all the blood produced would spread disease. RG looked very disappointed.

After the initial three ideas were discounted it became obvious that a statement giving a clear indication of the occupy group was required. After four hours of rigorous debate an agreement was reached between all members (except P)

We, of Occupy London, believe that all bankers are really, really naughty and that they should not do it again.

The first meeting of the group is now closed.