The Occupy London Charter

Introduction

To all at Occupy London in all three sites , St Paul’s, Finsbury Square & Mrs Miggin’s Pie Shop, could you please circulate the following and get everyone to sign; those staying at the site, those whose tents are staying at the site and any drunks who may be passing by. Please remember it’s numbers that count.

We will accept returns in any format, and any language, even welsh. Multiple returns by a single person / group will not be accepted  (that’s what we will tell the media anyway. If you can persuade the man in Starbucks to photocopy a few when you are next in, feel assured that your time will not be wasted)

Please be aware that the preservation of trees is of prime consideration to us. Therefore when we, the people, gain power, we will demand that all newspapers are printed on biodegradable turnips, to counter the paper consumed by the charter.

The Charter

I, _______________________(Name, inclusive of hyphens & titles, Duke, Baron etc)  of ____________________________________________________________(Address, please include information for all homes. This is a global campaign and we will be able to forward your address in Moritz, the Bahamas etc to the local groups) do solemnly promise to support the beliefs of Occupy London, namely:

1.     The Church of England is evil. The tower at St Paul’s is, as we know, a trading floor fighting an eternal war of economic attrition against the People. The prayers are sexist, never an ‘AWOMAN’ is uttered. The congregation demands ‘an eye for an eye’, a sure indication of a thirst for violence.

2.     The Government is evil. Although the banking crisis and over-borrowing can be laid at the door of the previous administration, it is obviously not their fault. It must be the fault of David Cameron & Co. as they are Conservative.

3.     Eviction is evil. We shall stay at Occupy, until i) it gets cold, ii) it gets wet, iii) it gets dark.

4.     Cuts are Evil. It is imperative that we save the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy Drop In Centre. Although only one person has used it in the past three years, it represents a major victory for the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy community. These cuts are senseless.

5.     Carbon is Evil. Although Global warming remains un-proved, we must abandon our cars NOW. (* Exemptions: Hybrids, electric cars and daddy’s Mercedes)

6.     Corporations are evil. As we stand in our corporately produced clothes, in our (often empty)  corporate tents, communicating on our corporate mobiles, drinking our corporate coffee, we must destroy the corporations NOW.

7.     Tuition fees are evil. It is obviously wrong that the individual should pay for additional education that will allow them to earn vastly more money than others over the course of their lifetime. Degrees in Animation, Surf Science & the History of Lace knitting are vital for our economic survival and must be maintained.

8.     Everyone else is evil. If someone does not agree with our aims they are obviously not clever enough to realise we are right.( Rather than classify them as stupid, which would make us appear that we are prejudiced against the stupid, we must admit that they are evil)

9.     The bankers are really quite naughty and shouldn’t do it again

Protest Lite- Protesting without honesty ?

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away...

Sometimes writing a satire on current events is too difficult. I read in the newspapers that only 20 out of the 200 hundred tents at the St. Paul's protest are occupied. The protesters are apparently protesting during the day and then going home to their warm bed at night. I'm sorry, but I couldn't make anything up that is half as comical as this !!

Minutes of the first meeting of the Occupy London group

Occupy London Stock Exchange

Meeting No. 1:- Minutes

Present

New Ager (NA)- Believes in freedom for all and the eradication of all money( except for benefit payments) . Has previously attended numerous demonstrations including ones dedicated to :

The eradication of coal fire power stations, replacing them with a new form of power created from human dung fermentation.

The protection of the horse flea after the disgraceful episode of Mrs Chambers- Smyth washing her jodhpurs and the associated needless killings.

And of course the legalise dope protest (he at least still believes he was at this one, although he cannot remember any details)

Student (S) – Strong believer in the ‘Occupy’ premise, as she is ‘really, like, anti, the bankers’, even if she does not really know what a banker does. Daddy has bought her a nice new tent and paid for her dreadlocks to be artistically soiled with ‘real cow dung’ at only £12.50 per inch. Has no previous experience of protest, although mummy recalls how she stopped the progress of nuclear weaponry over a single cold night at Greenham Common. Particular interest in the fight against tuition fees, as daddy has said that her alcohol allowance will have to be cut to pay for the increase.

Singer / Artist (SA). – Very creative person has ensured that his feedback has been heard regarding the posters around the camp, but has not contributed any effort himself as his muse has currently left him. Lives in a squat in Camden, and is campaigning for the removal of all property ownership laws. Believes that his participation in the protests will make him appear more ‘cred’ and increase the value of his installations. A rabid anti-capitalist, until he has money of his own.

Radical Granny (RG) – A stay at home mum until she turned 50 and her youngest daughter returned home with a baby. After which she has begun to protest at every available opportunity, mainly to avoid changing nappies. She sees herself as a grungier Joanna Lumley, although her friends see her as just grungy. Radical granny has just hot-foot it from Dale Farm where she protested as she knew it would make her ex-husband explode. In truth, the need to make her ex-husband explode is behind most of her activities at the moment.

The Ex-Banker (EB) – Until recently Tarquin was a banker, until that is Megabank found him to be totally in-competent. After this he has been a crucial member of the Occupy group, wheeled out for all the TV interviews. Like the student, he is not sure what he is protesting about, although it is splendid fun to be here, the tents being just like the dorms at Harrow. Obviously he will have to leave the camp as the ski-ing begins.

The Parent (P) – Camping next to the student in case she gets cold

           

Agenda

·      Appointment of Committee

·      Statement of Intent

Minutes

Appointment of Committee

NA proposes that ‘Head of Protest’ should be assigned to the protester with the most experience. SA believes that having a head is elitist and that the committee should not elect a single leader. S wishes to make it clear that she is ‘really, like, for the cause’. RG suggests that maturity is the only true route to wisdom and that the oldest member should lead the team. EB is happy that someone else is making all the decisions. NA states, ‘ Thank you all for sharing your wisdom, it is clear that I am the popular choice as leader of the occupy group’

P sighs.

Statement of Intent

NA proposes that the statement of intent should demand the elimination of capitalism, the banning of all property ownership and the humiliation of the banking community.

Elimination of capitalism. S states that the elimination of capitalism is ‘really, like cool’; as it would mean that all the poor people would be free. P advises that this would mean that survival is driven by the ability to produce one’s own food and shelter, as there would be no trade. NA objects, saying a bartering system could be put in place. P suggests ‘But isn’t that capitalism?’

SA suggests that artists should be given the right to create without having to provide for themselves. P suggests that the role of the artist arose in Italy after a group of bankers started to supply artists with large amounts of cash for their works. SA becomes very quiet.

S leaves the meeting and re-appears with a Big Mac and Cappuccino for everyone in the team.

EB suggests that capitalism may not be that bad… Silence envelops the group. After they have finished their Big Macs they move on to NA’s next suggestion

Property Ownership. S states that she would ‘really, like’ property ownership to be eliminated as then she may be able to get onto the property ladder after she graduates. RG advises that she worked really hard at getting her house from her bastard ex-husband, and she is not about to give it up, although of course she believes that the ownership of property is wrong. EB suggests that maybe it would be OK to allow everyone access to his paddock in Surrey, but only when the ground is dry. SA demands that all ownership of property is wrong, and that squatting is the right way forward, unless he can afford to buy. P muses on who is going to build the squats.

After three and a half hours of constructive debate a decision is reached; that ownership of property is not a primary aim of the group.

Humiliation of the Banking Community – The group with the exception of P conclude that the humiliation of the bankers is a primary aim of ‘Occupy’.  EX looks sheepish.

The method humiliation is discussed. Murder is discounted as no member of the team can think of a method of performing this painlessly. S did suggest that vets could perform it, in the same way as her miniature poodle was disposed of when it was no longer in fashion, but was shouted down by the remainder of the group.

Re-introduction of the stocks was also discounted as it is a basic human right that all humans should be able to use their iphones at all times and this would be difficult when locked into the wooden structure.

SA suggested that he could design a card to be worn around all bankers necks, suggesting that they have been very, very naughty. NA thought that a picture of a dis-embowelled sheep would not send the appropriate message.

RG proposed that all the male bankers could have their balls chopped off. EB edged nervously away. S suggested that this maybe a little violent. RG smiled. This idea was dropped after EB, thinking rapidly, advised that all the blood produced would spread disease. RG looked very disappointed.

After the initial three ideas were discounted it became obvious that a statement giving a clear indication of the occupy group was required. After four hours of rigorous debate an agreement was reached between all members (except P)

We, of Occupy London, believe that all bankers are really, really naughty and that they should not do it again.

The first meeting of the group is now closed.