To all at Occupy London in all three sites , St Paul’s, Finsbury Square & Mrs Miggin’s Pie Shop, could you please circulate the following and get everyone to sign; those staying at the site, those whose tents are staying at the site and any drunks who may be passing by. Please remember it’s numbers that count.
We will accept returns in any format, and any language, even welsh. Multiple returns by a single person / group will not be accepted (that’s what we will tell the media anyway. If you can persuade the man in Starbucks to photocopy a few when you are next in, feel assured that your time will not be wasted)
Please be aware that the preservation of trees is of prime consideration to us. Therefore when we, the people, gain power, we will demand that all newspapers are printed on biodegradable turnips, to counter the paper consumed by the charter.
I, _______________________(Name, inclusive of hyphens & titles, Duke, Baron etc) of ____________________________________________________________(Address, please include information for all homes. This is a global campaign and we will be able to forward your address in Moritz, the Bahamas etc to the local groups) do solemnly promise to support the beliefs of Occupy London, namely:
1. The Church of England is evil. The tower at St Paul’s is, as we know, a trading floor fighting an eternal war of economic attrition against the People. The prayers are sexist, never an ‘AWOMAN’ is uttered. The congregation demands ‘an eye for an eye’, a sure indication of a thirst for violence.
2. The Government is evil. Although the banking crisis and over-borrowing can be laid at the door of the previous administration, it is obviously not their fault. It must be the fault of David Cameron & Co. as they are Conservative.
3. Eviction is evil. We shall stay at Occupy, until i) it gets cold, ii) it gets wet, iii) it gets dark.
4. Cuts are Evil. It is imperative that we save the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy Drop In Centre. Although only one person has used it in the past three years, it represents a major victory for the Vegan-Freetrade- Nuclear Free- Renewable Energy community. These cuts are senseless.
5. Carbon is Evil. Although Global warming remains un-proved, we must abandon our cars NOW. (* Exemptions: Hybrids, electric cars and daddy’s Mercedes)
6. Corporations are evil. As we stand in our corporately produced clothes, in our (often empty) corporate tents, communicating on our corporate mobiles, drinking our corporate coffee, we must destroy the corporations NOW.
7. Tuition fees are evil. It is obviously wrong that the individual should pay for additional education that will allow them to earn vastly more money than others over the course of their lifetime. Degrees in Animation, Surf Science & the History of Lace knitting are vital for our economic survival and must be maintained.
8. Everyone else is evil. If someone does not agree with our aims they are obviously not clever enough to realise we are right.( Rather than classify them as stupid, which would make us appear that we are prejudiced against the stupid, we must admit that they are evil)
9. The bankers are really quite naughty and shouldn’t do it again